College Residential TESOL

Classroom ManagementWelcome back ignorantly optimistic new teacher to another installment in The Gobbledygook’s Guide To Complete Classroom Dominance. It’s been a while since we last met. If you’ll recall, and you probably won’t, our previous lesson covered basic grammar and it’s usage in the english language. That entry level material is usually grasped fully by children, of which in total, throughout many years of advanced schooling, you have retained none. And now, congratulations student, you possess the intellectual equivalency of a toad. english is a ridiculous language, as was covered previously in the “english is a stupid language and should not be studied by anyone” lesson. You did surprisingly well there. But now the real work begins. One day, in the not too distant future, you will actually find yourself alone in charge of a sea of wide-eyed ankle biters, whose only goal is to destroy you. How will you manage this classroom? How will you survive the onslaught of questioning sugar-addled minds without losing yours? In this installment of The Gobbledygook’s Guide To Complete Classroom Dominance we will be covering the many invaluable and often overlooked methods and secrets to classroom management. kids. Can’t live with ‘em, can’t lock ‘em in tiny rooms chained to a wall. Might as well educate them. After all, why not? But having this correct and completely healthy attitude alone will not be enough. It falls upon us, dear misguided molder of young minds, to not only teach, but to manage. Education cannot take place unless there is order, unless the conditions are ripe for learning. And since it is far better to be feared that to be loved we will learn now the absolute best methods for ruling with an iron fist. Be intimidating. In all but the most unusual cases you will be larger than your students, use this. Tower over them and be frightening. In order to start the learning process, a student should be scared, really scared. If a child hasn’t cried, you’re not doing your job right. This all too important point is placed first here because for some, it is the most difficult to master. As the poet Tom JohansonVonSpanklepuss famously wrote, “To scare shitless a room full of strangers without saying a word; that would be a true measure of greatness, and is the great aim, of all great men.” We can find, as kings and queens of our classrooms, that by simply using tense body language, such as a rigid posture or clenched hands you will convey the message that you are in charge and aren’t taking any lip from anyone. Part and parcel with dominating non-verbally is how your carefully selected words can hurt, scar, and shame. All three, important tools in the arsenal of a successful manager in the classroom. Most children in the classroom arrive with a curiosity and innate desire to learn. These traits must be stomped out early and thoroughly and it is only through preparation and repetition of harsh language that an unruly class can ever be tamed. Below are some tried and true verbal techniques for you to use when confronting your little monsters: • Always raise your voice • Always get the last word in • Make unsubstantiated accusations • Falsely build up egos • Mock and ridicule their efforts • Finish every argument with “…because I’m the boss here.” • Always make comparisons to siblings or other students • Mimicry and sarcasm can be important tools too The list is endless, so get creative. At an advanced level, after getting to know your students, learn of their fears and personal hang-ups. If dealing with young girls specifically, comments made about their bodies and weight can be especially devastating. Sticks and stones may break your bones, but verbal abuse will last a semester at the very least. By being a stern braggart who uses their place of authority to scold simple minds you will not only be a successful manager in the classroom but you will also put the little bastards in their place. Then the little rosy-cheeked disease buckets will know who the boss is, and this can only lead to success in the classroom and a true absorption of the educational material. Alcohol. While officially, it is the position of us here at Gobbledygook Inc. that you as an educator, not be under the influence of any drug during classroom hours, we recognize it as an invaluable tool in dealing with the insanity that can be the school day. Much like the method actor in preparation for a role you should feel comfortable doing whatever it takes for you to be surly, grumpy, and as standoffish as possible during class. It can sometimes be a challenge, especially for the new teacher, to maintain a strict level of irritability throughout the day. It takes stamina and dedication. But by not being approachable, your students will learn not to bother you unless it’s something really important. Show your students no mercy, for you shall receive none. In the end, it is up to the individual teacher to find the specific style of classroom management that works best for them. You can choose to be scary; you can choose to always hold a grudge, but whatever it is, choose wisely. Children will learn best in a hostile environment so be sure to be threatening in your body language, be mean with your verbal language, and to possibly be drunk, if you can get away with it.